What Is This Feeling?

Nick and I were taking a walk around the hospital grounds. He had finally dragged me away from mum’s bedside and my dad and her were having some time alone.

We walked in silence for a while, the clouds were slowly filling the sky, which I guess was sort of appropriate for my current mood.

“You should go see mum, she said she would love to have a quick chat with you.” I said, finally breaking the silence. That what I love about Nick, he is comfortable in the hush.

“Ok. I’ll do that when we get back.” He smiled down at me and pulled me into his side.

Tears filled my eyes quickly, “Nick. I am so scared.”

“I know Anna banana.” He said kissing my forehead.

“I don’t know what to do.” I said through the tears.

“I think you are doing everything you could possibly do.”

“Yeah, I guess…”

“Anna, you are being so strong, but know that you don’t have to be.” Nick replied.

“I feel anything but strong.” I looked up at him through my tear drenched lashes.

“You are handling yourself with more grace then I have ever seen.” Nick said, I grabbed him and pulled him into me, steadying myself against him.

“Thank you for being here every day, I know I haven’t said it but I know you are here and I appreciate it.” I said against his shirt.

“Where else would I be Anna banana?” He said kissing my forehead and holding me closely.

“Come on, let’s get coffee.” I said pulling him towards the direction of the cafeteria. Trying to break some of this tension I was feeling.

“I might go see your mum quickly.” He said. “I’ll see you soon.”

I went to the cafeteria and got us all coffee before going up to mums room.

Nick came out his mum in tow tears streaming down her face just as I was heading in the room, he looked sad and scared and a million other things before he saw me and he flicked back to his brave face. I realised just like me, Nick was playing a character of someone who was strong, even if he felt anything but. I smiled at Lilian and gave her a hug before walking into the room, the coffee now forgotten.

The nurse was injecting something into mum’s cannula, speaking to her in hush tones and gently grabbing her hand.

“This is going to help your mum relax, and maybe have a sleep. You should come and sit with her.” The nurse said sympathetically to me, I thought I saw tears in her eyes but as quickly as I realised they were gone. My dad was by her side gripping her hand and my brothers were leaning against the wall like they were stuck with super glue.

“Come here baby girl.” Mum said. I crawled up to her side, which was easier now, there was no machines for me to get tangled in and I rested my head on her chest. I think we all realised that this was one of the last moments we’d all be together.

I noticed mums eyes closing, she was fighting it she also had a little smile on her face.

“Mum. What are you feeling?” I asked grabbing her hand and looking up at her my head still resting in her nook.

“I feel peace baby. Peace…” She said breathing and finally giving into the sleep that was calling her so desperately.