Friendship Is No Longer An Option

I went over to Nick’s on Monday evening. I somehow plucked up the courage and put my big girl pants on long enough to actually follow through with it. 

Usually I would just walk inside, I wasn’t sure that was entirely appropriate given the circumstances. 

 So I knocked and I heard stirring inside, followed by Mickey yelling, “SOMEONES AT THE DOOR, SOMEONES AT THE DOOR, SOMEONES AT THE DOOR.”

“Ah my beautiful girl!” Lillian answered the door.

“Hi Lil.” I smiled.

“Why are you knocking? Why haven’t we seen you around here for weeks?” She demanded, talking her usual a hundred miles a minute.

“No reason I’m afraid. Just been busy with school and the family.” I explained.

“Well come in! Don’t stand outside. We are just about to have dinner, do you want anything? Oh who am I kidding? Of course you do!” Lillian smiled.

I just laughed and followed her inside, “OH MY ITS ANNA!” Mickey said running at me at full speed.

“Hi beautiful girl.” I said leaning down and giving her a big hug. “I have a present for you.” I said reaching into my bag. I handed over a DVD.

“ANOTHER BARBIE DVD?” I swear she was incapable of talking at a normal decibel.

I winked in her direction, she tried to copy me but failed miserably.

“You spoil her.” Lillian called out smiling at me. “Come on you two dinners ready, actually Anna can you get Nick? I think he was having asleep.”

I wandered into Nick’s bedroom and he was half asleep on the bed only dressed in tracksuit pants, the blankets were strewn over his bed. I walked over and sat on the edge of his bed, I had all the courage in the world before getting here and now my stomach was doing flip-flops.

“Nick…wake up!” I gently rattled his shoulder. He woke up in a fright.

“Anna what are you doing in here?” He said in his sleepy voice.

“I just thought I’d come over, maybe talk. Plus I wanted to see Mickey.” I explained.

He leaned on his elbows looking up at me smiling, “Your mum said dinners ready.” I said trying to delay our conversation as long as I could.

“I want to talk you Nick.” I said trying to keep my heart beat down.

“I know…I feel like I’ve messed you around Anna.” He said sadly.

I shrugged my shoulders, wanting him to keep talking.

“What do you want Nick?”

“I can’t handle seeing you with Billy.” He answered honestly. “I want to see what happens. I don’t want to overthink anything Anna, but what I’m feeling for you isn’t friendship. I just really don’t want to rush anything, or risk losing you as a friend.” He said quietly, it seems he had been practicing a speech as well.

I smiled, I couldn’t help it (way to play it cool Anna). “Oh Nick…are you sure you’re not just jealous that I’m hanging out with Billy?”

“Anna...I don’t know. I…I don’t think so.” He said, but he was still clearly unsure of what his feelings were and his half answers were not good enough.

“I don’t think…that’s good enough.” I said, I had waiting a long time to have this discussion and he still wasn’t clear on what he wanted.

“I’m saying I want to try, I really want to try Anna.”

“Why? What’s changed so dramatically that you now want to try? Because last time I checked you didn’t want anything to change.” I said tears filling my eyes.

“When you told me about your feelings, Millie and I had just broken up. Literally just broken up, and so much stuff went down with us, stuff that you don’t know about…It was a lot for me to deal with, and I admit I probably didn’t go about it in the right way.” Nick explained.

“Ok, but what makes you think you want to be with me? If you wanted to be with me, you would have felt things before.” I said throwing my hands up in frustration.

“Like what?” Nick said running his hands through his hair clearly frustrated that this conversation wasn’t easy.

“I don’t know…something, like attraction or lust or fucking desire, you would have to find me funny, you would want to tell me things that you can’t tell anymore else or I don’t know…just ACTUALLY want to be with me.” I said standing up and pacing the length of his room.

“Anna…I feel all those things for you.” He said like he was a little embarrassed.

“Now. You feel them now? All of a sudden?” I asked, Nick was now fully sitting up in bed watching me closely, he looked scared to move.

“I know you are thinking that this is a jealously thing, but it’s not…it may have been the thing to make me realise how I feel about you, but this is not a possession thing. I want you Anna.” He suddenly with more conviction then earlier.

“I…I don’t know Nick, I’m scared.” I said honestly, tears now running down my cheeks. Nick stood up and crossed the room towards me, he held my face in his hands and wiped my tears away. I stood on my tippy-toes and looked up at him, Nick leaned down and gently kissed me. It was a little bit awkward at first and then something happened we both let go and suddenly the kiss was sending tingles all over my body. I was reaching for him desperately trying to pull him closer to me. We were grabbing at each other and couldn’t get enough.

“WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?! Hurry up, its dinner time.” Lillian called out from the kitchen.

“Coming mum.” He said while not breaking eye contact with me, the magnitude of the situation hit 

us both.