Anything But Ok

Nick and I had been doing a perfectly cultivated routine, it basically went like avoid, avoid, wave at each other awkwardly and avoid. 

“What the fuck actually happened between you and Nick?” Will was quizzing me in the canteen. 

Marie had gone home for the day, I had given her a partial truth about what happened with Nick and I. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her or anything I was just so embarrassed I could barely speak about the incident.  

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I said sulking and biting into my apple for dramatic effect.

“Well frankly suck it up, it’s affecting everyone now, it’s time to pull your head out...” He said getting a little angry with me.

“Fine Will if you really want to know...I told Nick I had feelings for him, and he didn’t feel the same way.” I said feeling the same embarrassment I felt a few nights ago.

“Oh.” He said shooting me a sympathetic look, while I looked down at the table.

“Yeah, oh.” I repeated. Next thing I know Nick sat down with Will and I, awkwardness filled the air it was suffocating.

I stood up to make a speedy exit muttering apologies as I walked out of the cafeteria, walking as quickly as I could without breaking off into a run.

“Anna where are you going? Just wait a second, please?” I heard Nick call out after me. A few people in the hallway turned their heads to see the commotion.

“What’s up?” I asked as casually as I could without turning around to face him, Nick walked around so he was standing in front of me no more than half an arm length in front of me.

“Not A lot…” He asked looking a little frustrated, with me or the situation I wasn’t sure.

 “...how are you?” I asked.

“Stop it, just talk to me. Please.” He practically begged.

“What would you like to talk about? The weather, it does suck that its getting colder that’s for sure.” 

 God, I can be such a bitch.

“Anna please. I miss you.” Nick said practically begging me to shut up.

I just looked at him and shook my head; my voice didn’t want to work, the last few days had been really hard without him.

“Finally stopped talking have you?” He asked running his left hand through his hair he looked exhausted.

“I don’t know what to say to you Nick. I am so embarrassed.” I said simply looking down avoiding his eyes.

“God Anna you don’t have to be embarrassed...I…we wouldn’t work you know? We are…it just wouldn’t work with us…just know I can’t lose you as a friend Anna, you mean too much to me to fuck up our friendship.” He said his cheeks getting a little red and he was avoiding my eyes.

The word friend hung in the air. I never knew one word could cause me so much pain.

“Can I ask you something, before we have a more awkward few weeks...have you ever thought about me more as a friend?” I asked, he gave an awkward head circle, not quite a nod not quite a head shake.

“Thank you for being honest Nick.” I said, even though it felt like I was being crushed from the inside out.

 “Anna, are we ok?”

“Yeah Nick, will be ok...” I smiled feeling anything but ok.

*I didn't quiet realise this post was so short...I will post tomorrow as a bonus to make up for it :)